The Victorian era saw the publication of a deluge of advice books aimed at the young bride-to-be and the newly married woman. And much of the material contained within such literature confirms the stereotype we have of the Victorians, especially that of the upper classes. Indeed, judging by these books, the Victorians do seem to be a straitlaced lot when it came to sexual matters. But most shocking of all to modern sensibilities are the casual assumptions of male superiority. Read on, and prepare to be outraged!
20. At least a rudimentary knowledge of biology
It was assumed that most of the young women at whom Victorian guides on marriage were aimed would be from the upper-middle or middle classes. And from that supposition sprung the quite reasonable idea that these young women’s knowledge of basic biology was scant – if it even existed at all.
So, what awaited a young woman on her wedding night was likely to be even more of a mystery – and perhaps a rather terrifying one at that. Walter Gallichan, writing in his 1918 The Psychology of Marriage, advised, “It is necessary that the virgin should not enter the married state without even theoretical knowledge of sex.” Alarmingly, he went on to say in relation to the wedding night, “Now and then one reads a painful report of suicide at this crisis in a girl’s life.”
19. But a bride shouldn’t know too much…
A torrent of advice faced young women about getting wed. All fine, but the problem was that the advice had something of a tendency to be contradictory. So, while Walter Gallichan said that women should have at least a theoretical knowledge of what was likely to happen on their wedding night, other authors had different advice.
Indeed, if the young bride-to-be also peeked into Maurice Bigelow’s 1916 collection of lectures on sex education, she’d read that too much knowledge was positively harmful. In Bigelow’s view a young woman should only be taught that she was the proud owner of a vulva. And no further detail was advisable as it “might arouse curiosity that leads to exploration and irritation.”
18. Don’t ask too much of your husband
Some (of the mostly male) writers of marriage advice for women in the Victorian era recognized that there might even be young ladies who actually enjoyed sex. In fact, after her wedding night, Queen Victoria confided to her diary that carnal knowledge with Prince Albert had been a “foretaste of heaven.” Which rather contradicts her somewhat joyless image and the idea that Victorian women were all horrified by sex.
But the truth was, according to Bernarr Macfadden’s 1918 tome Womanhood and Marriage, that women with sexual appetites had to be mindful of their husband’s welfare. This was because “the life-giving fluid called the semen, which is produced in the creative organs of the man, is of great value in the upbuilding of his own body.” So, it was believed that the vital male fluid could not just be squandered willy-nilly.
17. Don’t be too willing
In fact, don’t be too willing is a little weak; the message from Ruth Smythers, “Beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers,” in 1894 was much stronger than that. Yes, her Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride positively struck terror into the reader at the prospect of marital relations. “Some young women,” Smythers revealed with apparent horror, “actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure!”
In fact, Smythers offered her advice – complete with shouty capitals – thus, “One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY.” And the consequences of ignoring her counsel? “Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.” The horror.
16. Don’t have a career
Yes, that’s right, it would be better for all concerned if young women completely foreswore the tiresome world of work. Of course, the truth in Victorian times was that poor women would have had little choice but to earn a wage. For upper-class ladies, though, working was vulgar and demeaning to their husbands.
In her 2016 book Unmentionable: The Victorian Lady’s Guide to Sex, Marriage, and Manners, Therese Oneill explains that women who had particular talents in say literature or music were considered unmarriageable. Because, as she points out, “For a wife to work was to declare that her husband was incompetent and could not provide for his family.” It seems, then, that the Victorian male psyche was nothing if not fragile.
15. The dangers of lovemaking for pleasure
If the well-brought-up young Victorian lady managed to survive the horrors of her first night of marriage and even found that she enjoyed sex, she still had serious pitfalls to negotiate. You see, it was held that unbridled pleasure in sex even within marriage could be a dangerous pastime, and it was therefore something to be avoided at all costs.
In fact, Oneill tells us that health “experts” propounded the view that overindulgence in enjoyable sex could lead to illnesses such as cancer. And as Oneill wrote in her book, “These doctors very seldom cited anything remotely connected to science for their beliefs, but they didn’t need to. Most of the people who bought their books thought being punished by God and nature for transgressing their designs made perfect sense.”
14. Don’t conceive when depressed or drunk
The Victorians, or at least those who wrote marriage manuals for women, seemed to spend quite a lot of their time thinking about the horrors of the actual sexual act from the feminine point of view. But then, of course, there is another factor when it comes to sex: children.
And the nature of the sex, it was thought, could have an impact on the future child. Oneill writes that it was believed that being drunk or even a bit depressed at the moment of conception would result in unimaginative or even sickly children; so no sex unless you were both sober and in a cheerful mood!
13. No nagging
You might think that Victorian women had a lot to put up with from husbands whom they were supposed to obey without question. And speaking to Country Life, author Oneill warmed to that theme. “In a world where a woman was at the mercy of her husband’s mood and decisions, she might find a lot to complain about,” Oneill said.
But Oneill went on to tell Country Life that despite having plenty of grounds for complaint, wives were in fact admonished not to nag their husbands. She cited the work of one American, William Jay, who wrote about Christian marriage in the early part of the 19th century. Jay said that a woman had no right to scold her husband since a woman’s plight was “the consequence of the sin of your own [female] sex.”
12. Fashionable, but not too fashionable
One of the many puzzles Victorian women had to face was the question of their appearance. Oneill told Country Life that women were entreated to dress fashionably – but there were apparently limits. That’s right: women should be fashionable “but not too fashionable,” Oneill told the magazine.
Being “too fashionable” might give the impression that a woman thought herself to be above her station, which of course would never do. What’s more, it might entail spending too much of her husband’s money – another thing to be avoided at all costs. And women were also instructed not to be too clean. You see, excessive cleanliness, apparently, might make others feel awkward.
11. Just say no to makeup
Similarly, Oneill told Country Life that as well as being fashionable but not too fashionable, women should be “alluring but not too alluring” – which sounds like another complicated conundrum for Victorian women to negotiate. And one way to look too alluring was to use makeup.
As Oneill pointed out, “Nothing would humiliate a man more than for his wife to appear of easy virtue.” Despite that entreaty, though, women were still expected to look their best. And that meant having pale but healthy-looking skin, “rosy lips” and bright, clear eyes. But remember: women had to achieve this without resorting to the makeup box. Tricky.
10. Ignore infidelity
So, having foresworn makeup and taking great care not to be too fashionable, the Victorian married woman had yet another important rule to bear in mind. And that was how to react if her husband should stray from the marital bed, seeking solace elsewhere. So what should be done in such a case? Well, according to the Victorians, it was the woman’s duty to turn a blind eye.
Yes, the mindset of the day, according to Oneill, was, “It’s in a man’s nature to go searching for a new version of the girl you used to be before you bore him seven children and made the comforts of his home the envy of the neighborhood.” And any idea of fairness just didn’t come into it. “Those were the unspoken rules of Victorian cheating,” Oneill pointed out.
9. Don’t marry for love
In modern Western society, most would regard romantic love as the prime reason for getting married. But some in the Victorian era believed that marrying someone just because you were in love with them was an error. What’s more, it was an error that would likely result in an unhappy union.
One who offered advice along those lines was Elizabeth Lanfear. Her Letters to Young Ladies on Their Entrance into the World came out in 1824. And in it, she warns against marrying for mere love. Lanfear counsels the young Victorian woman to make a careful judgment about a prospective husband, rather than making an arbitrary choice “dignified by the name of love.”
8. Stick to your own class
Lanfear had other strong views about the paramount importance of choosing a well-matched spouse too. And class was one of the key issues. In her Letters to Young Ladies she wrote, “The woman who marries a man of superior rank to her own is not always treated according to her deserts by his relations.”
And conversely, Lanfear said, “While she who weds with one of an inferior rank in life has no right to expect that her friends will associate with her husband, or treat him with that respect which she may think his due.” So there you have it; marrying outside your class was a likely recipe for misery and sorrow.
7. Let your husband win arguments
And here’s some more advice from yet another Victorian man, Arthur Freeling. This time, the dutiful wife is instructed in how to argue with her husband – or, more precisely, how not to. Yes, there should only ever be one outcome of a Victorian marital dispute: the husband must always be allowed to come out on top.
In fact, the very title of Freeling’s 1839 publication The Young Bride’s Book: Being Hints for Regulating the Conduct of Married Women gives a pretty strong clue to the man’s views. And in Freeling’s work, he writes that from the very first disagreement of a marriage, the woman must always let the man’s views prevail.
6. Don’t over-tighten your corset
In fact, this piece of Victorian advice is perhaps one of the few that make sense to modern ears – even though, yet again, it comes from a man; in this case, the guidance comes from one Haydn Brown. We are, of course, back on the subject of women’s attire, but this time the subject is rather delicate, as we’re focusing on ladies’ undergarments. And Brown’s 1899 book, Advice to Single Women, gave a warning about over-tightened corsetry.
“There is everything that is lithe and dainty, something femininely fetching, about a pretty little waist; but when it is fashioned with such difficulty, and under so much agony, one loses interest in it to a great extent,” wrote Haydn. Notice that he seems more concerned about his failing interest than in the woman’s health. It’s sound advice anyway, though.
5. Never naked
And once the beleaguered Victorian wife had finally managed to extricate herself from her over-tightened corsets at bedtime, she had another important mission to attend to. That’s right: she must never, according to Ruth Smythers’ 1894 Instruction and Advice for the Young Brides, allow her husband to cast his beady eyes on her naked flesh.
“The wise bride,” wrote Smythers, “will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her.” And Smythers went further, too, adding, “Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness.” She also advised the wearing of “thick cotton nightgowns” which “need not be removed during the sex act.”
4. Keep still
Smythers’ instructional article was originally published in The Madison Institute Newsletter’s fall 1894 issue. And in it, Smythers also offered advice on how the young Victorian bride should conduct herself in the unfortunate circumstance of finding herself engaged in lovemaking with her husband. Before the act, Smythers advised, the wife should remain absolutely silent.
This was because the husband might interpret any noise “as a sign of encouragement.” And once the husband is in the marital bed, “the wife should lie as still as possible.” Otherwise, “Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.” So, if this advice is anything to go by, it seems a wonder that the Victorians ever managed to produce the next generation.
3. Solitary confinement after childbirth
Assuming that the young Victorian wife had succumbed at some point to the sexual demands of her husband in spite of Smythers’ advice, childbirth was the next likely lifetime milestone. And writing in 1896, Elizabeth Scovil had plenty of advice for the pregnant wife in Preparation for Motherhood.
Apparently, the key thing for the new mother just after she had given birth was isolation. Scovil wrote, “Excitement is dangerous, and no visitors must be permitted to enter the room, nor should conversation be allowed, even if she wishes to talk.” Additionally, the lights should be dimmed, and no reading should be allowed either. So after an anesthetic-free delivery, the new mother was, in effect, sentenced to solitary confinement. And she shouldn’t arise from her bed for at least nine days.
2. Marry a philanderer?
On the face of it, this piece of advice seems to completely contradict the strictly straitlaced morality that we attribute to the Victorians. But according to contemporary author Mimi Matthews, some Victorian woman took a particular view of the man who had clearly engaged in affairs before marriage. First, his sexual experience would make him a better lover. Second, with the man having had his fun, there would perhaps be less chance that he’d be unfaithful.
However, Matthews goes on to say that most advice manuals for young Victorian women counseled against marrying an “experienced” man. And in her What Women Should Know published in 1887, Eliza Bisbee Duffey issues a stern warning. “A young man who has led a wild, dissipated life may have contracted the worst and most loathsome of diseases,” she wrote.
1. Ration your charms
We’re back to Ruth, the “Beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers,” again. And this time she offers some strict rules about the permissible frequency of lovemaking within marriage. “The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage,” Smythers writes.
And what’s more, “As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency,” she continues. In fact, Smythers’ writings are so bizarre that some have said that her pamphlet is a hoax. But Snopes, the most reputable of hoax-busters, says that the allegation is “Unproven.” If you want to judge the authenticity of Smythers’ work for yourself, though, you can still buy a reprint of the booklet on Amazon.